Adventures in Mediocrity
If you’re reading this, chances are you play mobile games. If you play mobile games, you’ve most likely seen enough ads to already know everything there is to know about the android abomination that is Rescue Girl.
Rescue Girl, the painstakingly-named “puzzle” game by renowned developer Brothers Apps And Games, is yet another entry in the confoundingly viral “pull pin”-style puzzle genre. These games have garnered a reputation as that gaudy, puppet-animated and mass-produced tripe that I have a physically repulsed reaction towards, and that’s because they earned it. That’s right, I played one so you don’t have to!
Family Guy, Interrupted
First off, let’s get into what’s immediately noticeable. The art style appears to be some sort of cursed, puppet-rigged Family Guy knockoff. This gives the impression that the protagonist isn’t in control of her actions; that she –much like myself– was a hostage here. A prisoner of circumstance being strung along, begging for release. It is the opposite of pleasing to look at, and even more upsetting to think about. Everything about the designs and the way they’re animated just scream “low effort” (and “HELP ME”). The music sounds like it’s being piped in through the walls. What’s more, it’s just three or four notes repeating endlessly. It’s at this point I contemplate whether or not this game was created by a madman for the purpose of driving me to insanity.
The Opposite of Pulling Teeth
I’m sure you’re familiar with the gameplay itself, but humor me. You play through two types of levels: the one-screen “pull pin” puzzles, and the side-scrolling “choose your adventure”-style boss rooms. The goal of each level is to kill any devil creatures and get to the treasure unharmed. Now, in case you were wondering if those pull-pin ads you saw where the disembodied hand just couldn’t figure out the intentionally simple puzzles were only that easy to suck you in, you would be laughably mistaken. Rescue Girl contains nearly sixty levels that are all so equally, mind-numbingly simple I’m still recovering from the psychic damage.
The complete lack of creativity was almost awe-inspiring. There was never a trick to it. No hyper-specific order to undo each pin, no worry the removal of one pin will block another. Just pull pin to drop lava on demon, pull pin to drop water on lava, pull pin to drop treasure. Sixty times. I saw no evidence whatsoever that this game wasn’t, in fact, made by A.I.
In my line of work, you see a lot of blatant cash grabs. But, perhaps, none quite as blatant as these mass-produced monuments to milking money. There is nothing that justifies Rescue Girl’s existence. It exists to sell you skins so you can numb your brain while dressed as Queen Elsa.
Please, I beg of you, learn from my mistakes. Don’t subject yourself to this. There are plenty of puzzle games that are definitely more worth your time.
Is it Hardcore?
A hollow shell of a game, Rescue Girl exists only to generate revenue. A depressing existence that’s only outmatched by the feeling of actually playing it.