Your neck is safe in “Jewel Vampire Castle,” so put on a podcast, get cozy and savor the serotonin!
Humanity is complicated. We compose symphonies. Construct opera houses. Write poetry. But the satisfaction of these accomplishments pales beside lining up three jewels. And if those three aligned jewels go “poof” and you get points? Well, dog my cats. Nothing compares to that. V2R knows this. They’ve gifted us “Jewel Vampire Castle”. Friends, it’s why the internet was invented.
Why Vampires, Kell?
I don’t know. Why not? Extracurricular research claims “Jewel Vampire Castle” is about a vampire named Elina protecting her castle. I can confirm a busty vampire graphic occasionally appears. She mostly tells you to “achieve your goal” and what that goal is. But these allegations of a plot are grossly exaggerated.
“Jewel Vampire Castle” has about as much to do with vampires (and castles) as “Candy Crush” has to do with Willy Wonka. Each short level opens by giving the player a goal. Line up jewels by color or shape, and get points. As the game progresses, objectives get slightly more elaborate. More on that in a little.
How Much Garlic do I Need?
Zero garlic. You aren’t fighting these vampires. Each level opens with a grid full of gems. The gems vary in color and shape. Three to a line, vertical or horizontal clears them. The real fun comes in strategizing ways to get that sweet L formation, or the five in a row. Anything beyond 3 creates a new tool; something that when combined with a sequence basically causes a point explosion.
The game requires no strategy. I played through level 50. I never needed any hints. It is a very simple game, that can be played with virtually no thought. However, it certainly becomes more fun if you try to outfox it. Get a little point crazy. See what you can do.
The levels do progress objectives beyond mere points. Eventually, you will collect nomadic zombies by matching rows next to them. Collect weapons by breaking the lines below them. When the tool falls out of the grid it’s yours. Will you use it for anything? You won’t. Who cares. It’s the journey, not the destination. This is exclusively about collecting a prescribed set of tools that will never be used.
So My Blood is Safe?
Well, from this. I don’t want to make blanket statements. I’m no Van Helsing. But the threat of ads is far greater than vamps in this game. They aren’t gratuitous, but they are frequent.
There is no surplus of variety in gameplay. You know this game inside and out before the end of level one. Everyone who has played a game on Beyonce’s internet knows this game. And that’s not bad! But it will not surprise. There’s no third act twist. It’s comforting sameness.
Is It Hardcore?
Hell yes. Pump it into my veins.
We’re not setting the world on fire. Jewel Vampire Castle is simple. But simple has its place. Put on a podcast. Match some jewels. Savor that sweet serotonin that comes from a job well done.